Young Professional Update

As a young professional (soon to be a graduate student and therefore, will once again have no real responsibility) I advise you to do any of the following things the weekend after being admitted to your top law school.

- Order Jager Bombs in large rocks glasses and tell them to go easy on the red bull

- Pick up random girls and encourage them to follow you wherever you go even if one has eyes spaced so far apart that she can see the back of your head.

- Close out a bar and then call the owner of a neighboring steak shop a douchebag because he won't let you drink the Pabst Blue Ribbons you purchased in his shop. Oh and don't worry if that steak shop just happens to be your best friend (and roommate's) place of employment.

- Continue to drink and abuse substances while talking about LOST at 7 o'clock in the morning.

- Make a plan to hook up with the biggest chicks you can prior to even having a single beer

- Stick to that plan by hitting on only the finest, most voluptuous women at the bar

- Face disappointment after disappointment in trying to reach your goals, and settle for walking home with 4 moderately attractive females promising to Pabst with you after they check on their roommate.

-Face more disappointment as they disappear and lock their doors for whatever reason, much to your dismay and overwhelm.

- Deal with said disappointment by demanding your friend cut your jeans into Jean shorts immediately and with little care of how far and out which side your testicles will protrude.

- Stop traffic and help those cars parallel park by making obscene poses and doing obscener stretches in your new jean shorts.

- Go to McDonald's at 4 am just to make a scene.

- Reinvigorate your "hogging" quest from earlier in the evening by successfully picking one up on the streets at 5 am and going back to her place with your buddy.

- Objectify

- Realize at that very instance that you are in fact incapable of pulling this whole thing off.

- Feel relieved

- Finish your last beer at 7 am and leave your good friend (about to be a Master of Science in 2 hours) asleep on a foreign couch.

Hold on to your dreams, Gutsies.

Also, coming soon whenever my roommate gets done editing will be three 30 second campaign commercials highlighting my platform as I will officially be running for Governor of Alaska. I figured I'd start small since Rick Solomon over in Washington told me there's no way I could run for President nor am I even remotely qualified or eligible even if I did receive 3 votes from homeless men who broke into the voting hall on April 22nd.

Guts '08
Guts '28