Due to tepid demand,

I will print Issue 1 of the Daily Charlotteton. I'm hoping this will either boost our popularity (there's still a few more days to vote in the poll) or coalesce public outcry against this blog (again, there are still a few more days to vote in the poll). I saved most of my zingers for Issue 2, so I suspect the latter.



THE DAILY CHARLOTTETON
Vol. 1, Issue 1
June 30th, 2007
‘Read it and Weep’

Charlotteton Changes Name to ‘Sillytown’

The Daily Charlotteton
Staff Writer

In a stunning 3-1 vote, the Charlotteton Town Council changed the name of the town to ‘Sillytown, USA’, or ‘Sillytown’ for short. The frenzied meeting was described alternately as a ‘Peyote induced sex-fest’ and a ‘Fuck you narc, you can’t bring me down.’ Other names considered included ‘Dullsville’, ‘Shits Creek’, ‘West Orgyton’, and ‘Fuck-You-Narc,-You-Can’t-Bring-Me-Down-Burg.’

The meeting was unusual in that the agenda was hastily written on the back of a Denny’s menu with crayon and/or ketchup. The only legible items included 5 minutes for introductions and 10 minutes for ‘Fucking shit up,’ followed by a 20-minute discussion. Dialogue was fast, loud, undirected, and notably racist.
Debate reached a stalemate when councilpersons Lee and Perrins engaged in a lengthy argument using only the words ‘Point’ and ‘Counterpoint.’

Two possible dissenting votes, in the form of councilpersons Mary Lou and Sammy Lou Freeman, were absent due to a family vacation. The Freemans have a reputation for being the voice of reason and religious piety on the council. When reached for comment in the Bahamas, Sammy Lou merely replied, “God Dammit.”

Local townspeople fell on both sides of the issue. Businessman Chuck Standish stated, ‘It might help tourism.’ Mary Winthorp, on the other hand, was confused. ‘Does it imply that the town itself is silly, or are the people who live in it silly?’ When informed of the council’s, decision, mechanic Steve Holmes was reminded of a joke he said a few years ago. ‘’Course, then I called it Crazyville, which I still think has a better ring to it.’

Postmaster James Quigly was especially distraught upon hearing the news. ‘Ever since 1979, I’ve been sayin’ Funkytown. 28 long years of lobbying and when they finally bring it to a vote, I get nothin’. Not one vote for Funkytown.’ Unable to control his emotions, the postmaster broke down in tears, whispering, ‘Funkytown, my sweet, funky Funkytown.’

In an attempt to explain the eccentric behavior of the council, Councilman Marc Wahlberg [no relation] said, “Sometimes your brother Donny [again, no relation] comes back from New Mexico and, yada yada yada, you gotta fuck shit up.”

When asked why he voted in favor of the proposal, Councilman Wahlberg replied, ‘Fuck you narc, you can’t bring me down.”


LOCAL NEWS
NBC Coming to Town!
To track sexual predators…

Cops Bust Meth Ring. Mayor Curiously Arrives Beforehand
Sillytown Police (previously known as Charlotteton Police) invaded a methamphetamine production facility yesterday. They apprehended all major producers and dealers. Surprisingly, the mayor of the town was about to enter the premises when SWAT teams arrived on the scene. When confronted, the mayor replied, “Um… it’s about time you guys showed up, I was about to do your job for you.” The mayor promptly entered his car and left.

Charlotteton Fair Canceled. Replaced with Sillytown Fair
Tractor pull unaffected.

NATIONAL / INTERNATIONAL NEWS
Led Zeppelin Accidentally Reunites in Neighborhood Deli
When asked why he didn’t appear, John Bonham offered no remark. Early reports say Jimmy Page ordered a Reuben.

U.S. Asks Mexico to, ‘Stay off of our lawn.’
In an effort to soften tempers between the two nations, the State Department has agreed to return Mexico’s lawnmower.

Archaeologists find evidence of ancient Roman ‘Masterbatorium’
Basement room in villa outside Naples marked by ‘sexy’ frescoes and ‘high-speed internet access.’

· Bush to America: ‘Everyone shut up, I’m trying to think.’
· Hungry Dalai Lama Eats Burrito/ reincarnated-Grandmother
· British House of Lords to Change Name: ‘It sounds a bit gay.’


SPORTS
Lakers Trade Kobe Bryant to Yankees for A-Rod
Not to be outdone, the Red Sox announced they are trading Manny Ramirez to the Knicks for Isaiah Thomas.

Stunning the Arcade World, Ms. Pac-Man Jones Files for Divorce
When asked to comment, a spokesman for Capcom said ‘It’s sad when two great franchises like this can’t overcome irreconcilable differences.’ Representatives of Ms. Jones cited Mr. Jones’ run-ins with the law and insatiable hunger for white orbs as the main sources of tension.

· Giambi Steals Second-Base; Selig Calls for Investigation
· Argentinean Wins NASCAR Race; Fearful U.S. Builds Fence Around Daytona


CLASSIFIEDS

WANTED: Divorce Lawyer
Call 610-555-7272
Ask for Jack

WANTED: Paid Hitman
Call 610-555-7272
Ask for Diane

Miss your anniversary?
You might be my husband!
Call home, at 610-555-3421

Hot, Young Girl wants to meet attractive Older Man.
Come to my house on Sycamore Lane this Saturday
Between 12 and 4pm
Ignore NBC cameramen


OPINION/EDITORIAL

The Immigrant Issue Hits Very Close to Home

While our congressmen debate the immigration issue in Washington, know you this, people of [Sillytown]: illegal immigrants are infiltrating our very town. That’s right! Wouldn’t you know it, but this past Wednesday, a surly, Spaniard-looking man named Andres Gutierrez knocks and says he’s moving in next door.

Now I’m as welcoming as the next American, but this guy really made me suspicious. What hit me first were his license plates from Texas. If you were an illegal immigrant and you needed to steal a car, wouldn’t you steal it in Texas? (I checked the plates. Apparently, they do belong to a person named Andres Gutierrez, but God knows how many people are named that. Further investigation needed).

His case really fell apart, however, when I started grilling him with questions the next day. I wore a wire, and here’s some of the following conversation:

Me: So…. Isn’t America great?
Him: Yeah… Home of the free!
Me: How long you been here?
Him: I just got here yesterday; we talked, remember?
Me: uh huh… but you had enough time in one day to pick up a car?
Him: Well I drove it from Texas. It only took 15 hours.
Me: Ya don’t say… So… Did you pass the test?
Him: What test?
Me: The US citizenship test.
Him: Well… I didn’t have to take it. I was born here.
Me: Then where are your parents?
Him: They’re dead.

Now how can he be born in this country if his parents are dead? And how, if he’s only been here a day, is he a spitting image of a 30 year old man? He may have been born yesterday, but I sure as hell wasn’t!

The evidence doesn’t stop there. He’s renting the place! So not only is he not a citizen, he’s not even a permanent resident! And if that isn’t enough, get this: video surveillance reveals that Mr. Gutierrez enjoys coffee… COLUMBIAN coffee…

Now I’m not sure where I lie on this whole immigration issue. But let it be known that I won’t stand by while people like Mr. Cootie-Errors take over our ancient and sacred towns. I don’t know what you or the mayor or Congress are going to do about it, but I’m doing the only thing I can do… I’m building a fence.

Remember, love thy neighbor, but never, EVER grant them amnesty.

Jed Baker,
[Sillytown]


New Editor Breaths Life into the Daily Charlotteton!

Hello! My name is John Lyerson Jr. and I am the new Executive Editor of the Daily Charlotteton. Throughout the last 25 years, many of you became familiar with the former Exec. Ed., my father John Lyerson Sr. And while we all mourn his tragic passing, I am sure that Pop wished us, specifically me (seeing as I am the only paid employee on staff), to carry on the proud tradition of this periodical.

The Daily Charlotteton was founded on two basic principles. The first was the dedicated pursuit of the truth. The other was a strict refusal to print on paper. As a result, the Daily was never read quietly around the breakfast table, like typical papers. Rather, my good cousin Lyle would appear on the steps of town hall at 8:00 AM sharp and loudly recite the Daily from memory as dictated to him by my father.

Some hailed this as a pioneering move in environmental conservation. Those who knew my father well knew that it grew from his irrational belief that paper ‘is made of people.’ Personally, I abhorred the practice, mainly due to the wild inaccuracies that came from an illiterate farmhand with a poor memory reciting the news for the entire town. Who can forget when Tiger Woods defeated Saddam Hussein in the Second Persian Golf War. Or when Henry Kissinger died three times in March of 1998.

Therefore, I have taken the dramatic step of publishing the Daily Charlotteton online. It not only maintains the no-paper policy, but also provides a valuable resource for the 5.2% of the town’s population that has access to the Internet. So while my father refused to usher the Daily into the 16th century, we will valiantly thrust it into the 21st with all of our intellectual might!

On a lighter note, the name of the Daily will not be changed to reflect the recent town council decision regarding the town name. I hope that this lapse in judgment will be quickly remedied.

Knowledge is Power!

John Lyerson, Jr.,
Executive Editor