The Best of...

As many of you may or may not know I am currently seeking full time temporary employment comprising these next few summer months. Life has been hard and I don't know how Boots lasted so long; the late nights, the late mornings, an empty inbox, crappy day time television. All the proverbial slaps in the face that go along with an ever diminishing checking account.

There is hope, and people are trying to help me in my quest however. A couple weeks ago I applied to a temp agency (AreaTemps.com - Cleveland's largest temp agency which seemingly has a clientele list longer than those actually employed in the city. Hi-o Cleveland economy!). The process of applying took about 3 hours, but I aced the shit out of my Word, Excel, PPT, and Access tests. I currently have an AreaTemps ID badge with a black and white picture of my adorable mug gracing the back. I don't know where I'm supposed to used the thing though -- umemployment sure has become more high-profile than I remember. I bet the people who were suffering from the Depression in the early 1930's wished they had something proclaiming their unfortunate status to the world. I have yet to flash the badge at the local Applebee's when I order my food and they ask for their money, but that scenario will more than likely present itself pretty soon.

Another exhaustive avenue I have taken to for jobs has been good ole' Craigslist.com I have searched through my fair share of dead-end jobs these past couple weeks. Emailing people in regards to jobs ranging from Executive Assistant to Roofing Laborer to Telemarketing has left me with only 5 legit replies to my 150+ correspondences.

While browsing the many directories of Craigslist (Jenny Craig really missed a great website idea of putting up before-and-after pics of once (or still) fat people), however, I came across an interesting webpage and the inspiration for this blog entry.

For those not familiar, every post on CL is flaggable - either postive or negative - and there is a nomination button for especially commendable posts known as the "Best of CL." Once nominated by fellow posters, the posts are aggregated in Best of CL for all to read. And trust me D10, this shit is worth the time spent reading what goes on in other people's lives and the shit that they post. Traversing tones of sarcasm, jovialness, and outright pissed off, the posts make one smile, laugh, and cry respectively.

Here are a few highlights for your pleasure (the subject lines are classic - almost on a Charlotteton level).

DEAD MOOSE (Alaska)

I have a dead moose free for the taking.


It died yesterday, apparently of natural causes. I called Fish & Game to come and get it. Apparently, moose are a natural resource and belong to everybody, until they die, then they belong to whoevers property they die on. So, according to Fish & Game, the moose now belongs to me. Sweet!!


So, if you want a free moose, please come and get it before the bears do. You could use it for dog food, or stuff it and put it your front yard, bear bait, whatever. If you live in the lower 48, this might be your best opportunity to get a free Alaska moose.


I dont really care, I just want it out of my yard. Please reply via email, I dont need all the animal rights folks calling me, its dead, and according to Fish & Game, its got no more rights...



who put the dead bird in my mailbox? (New York)

a) how did you get into my mailbox in the first place, it is locked
b) did you kill the bird
c) it died horribly, that much was clear
d) you're psycho
e) do I know you
f) if I do know you I don't want to know you
g) if I don't know you, what did I do to inspire you to put a dead bird in my mailbox
h) I don't know how to disinfect a mailbox from a dead bird, I'm worried about diseases and have used five different kinds of cleaner but still feel like the bird's still in there still and like my bills and my catalogues and my coupons have dead bird on them
i) it was a hummingbird, I looked it up - they don't even live in New York - this is so f*ing psycho, I can't believe this
j) are you the mailman?
k) I'm always nice to the mailman
l) the super didn't care when I told him what happened
m) the neighbors didn't care either
n) do you have some kind of problem with birds
o) don't put anything else in my mailbox
p) unless it's an apology
q) no, I take that back, I don't even want an apology
r) what am I supposed to do with this bird - it's in bubblewrap in a bag in a shoebox in the freezer right now - am I supposed to bury it - where? how? in a construction site where they've jackhammered through the concrete - where is a person supposed to bury things in this city?
s) I could drop it in the Gowanus canal, but that seems undignified
t) I could drop it in the ocean, but the ocean is so big and it is such a small bird
u) I could drop it in the toilet but it would probably get stuck
v) I hear this whirring around my ears every time I go to the mailbox and I'm pretty sure it's ghost bird, and I'm all "it wasn't me that killed you, bird!" but still the whirring doesn't go away until I get to the stairwell
w) am I supposed to eat it - maybe you were trying to feed me - don't you know I'm a vegetarian
x) if this was Ricky, I'm gonna beat your ass, mama told you stop bothering the zoo
y) if this was Gina, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, how many times I gotta say I'm sorry
z) I could drop it off the roof, maybe it will reincarnate while falling and I can start reading my mail again


PINK PLASTIC LAWN FLAMINGOS (Col. Springs)

three pink plastic lawn flamingos, the momma, the daddy and two babies. in good shape except the momma has a bullet hole. will trade for a good dog or weed eater, will also consider any kind of alcohol as long as it ain't been opened up.

There you are D10. I hope you enjoy these nuggets of life experiences that are Best of Craigslist.