Ok, here's the backstory:

(Edit: I guess this post will do in lieu of a cartoon.)

Last year around this time I was at home, graduated, and bored. I ended up reading The Onion a lot. To pass the time I thought I'd try my hand at it. A few weeks later, I had a few issues of a fake paper called "The Daily Charlotteton." This paper chronicled the happenings of a small town named Charlotteton (I spent a week coming up with that name). Anyway, I was rumaging through my old computer when I found the Word files and, in the spirit of openness, I present one of the issues for you with minor changes.

Keep in mind, this is almost a year old. One of the headlines is especially dated, I hope you find it.

THE DAILY CHARLOTTETON
Vol. 1, Issue 2
July 5th, 2007
‘Who’da Thunk It?’

Mayor Accepts Bribes, Bitches
Declares ‘war’ on The Daily Charlotteton

The Daily Charlotteton
Staff Writer

Charlotteton – Town Hall was rocked today as the Mayor of the Town was arrested and indicted on three counts of bribery, one count of soliciting prostitution and one count of actual prostitution. The charges, filed in Larger-Than-Average County courthouse allege an administration rife with corruption and vast sexual indecency.

The papers claim the mayor accepted bribes during a taping of the cable-access show “Big Films, Small Talk,” where local leaders come and discuss the newest Hollywood releases. During the commercials, the microphones remained on as a wealthy land developer, Oscar Newsome, turned to the Mayor and asked for help ‘with those zoning bastards.’ Investigators allege this is a reference to the Zoning Committee’s upcoming vote on Mr. Newsome’s highly unpopular ‘Shady Neighborhood’ subdivision proposal.

It was at this point that the Mayor accepted, on film, a wad of cash not once, but during each of the three commercial breaks. He was heard to say ‘Don’t worry, I’ll smash those zoning commies like Patton smashed the Japs.’ When asked to comment outside the courthouse by a TV newscrew, the Mayor said, ‘I didn’t know the cameras were still on! Why would the fucking cameras be on? Wait, are those cameras on? Fuck!’

A message released by the Mayor’s lawyer stated, ‘The Mayor’s off-color and historically inaccurate remarks were merely misunderstood slang that goes back to their college days and were not hateful in nature.

‘As for the allege bribery, the aforementioned Mayor agreed only to help out an old friend in whatever legal way possible. The money exchanged was part of an unspoken agreement to pay back an old college debt. I believe it was “beer money.”’

When asked about the seemingly large ‘beer money’ debt, the Mayor replied, ‘It was really expensive beer. And he knew that the moment I gave him the $20, I would start charging interest that would be added to the principal every two weeks.’ He then added, ‘Let’s face it, everyone leaves college with tons of debt.’

The prostitution charges come from multiple alleged public solicitations both offering and requesting paid sex. ‘He went by several street names,’ said Police Chief Hornsby, ‘Including: Sir Galabad, Barry Bondage, and Lady Juliet Masterson.’

Police surveillance revealed that the mayor had been quite active in this lifestyle and that he had sex with ‘100% of the Hispanic population of Charlotteton.’ Andrews and Rita Morenos, the town’s only Hispanic couple, declined to comment. According to NBC’s records, he was not arrested as part of the ‘Dateline NBC’s: To Catch a Predator’ sting operation a week ago.

An enraged Mayor knew exactly who to blame. ‘It’s you and your damn nosy newspaper! Time was, I’d just fill ol’ [Previous backwoodsy newspaper editor Cousin Lyle] up with some chocolate, and he’d forget all about my doings. I tried doing that to the internet, but my computer broke. It’s your damn paper. Who gives a fuck what I do. Wait, is that tape recorder still on? FUCK!’


LOCAL
‘Evolution’ to Be Taught to Local Youth
Unpopular 2001 David Duchovny and Julianne Moore film becomes part of 8th grade curriculum.

Health Department Closes Down O’Brien’s Pub
Barflies get swatted

Area Couple Buys HDTV; No Longer Voting for Obama
‘I mean, I know they said he was black, but we didn’t realize he was actually black. We thought it was something wrong with our tv.’

· Coal Mine Closes, Bad Children to Receive Nothing for Christmas
· Local Man Eats Shit, Dies


NATIONAL / INTERNATIONAL
Curvaceous Cave Drawings Found
The leader of the project said, “These ancient people liked big butts, and I cannot lie. You other Archaeologists can’t deny.”

Car Crashes into Glasgow Airport
Says driver, ‘I really didn’t want to miss my flight.’
When asked about crashing the day before the Concert for Diana, the driver said, ‘If anything, I consider it a tribute to her.’

Timing of Terror Attacks Scares Officials
‘They could have exploded their cars filled with gas years ago,’ says Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff. ‘Why did they wait until oil got to $72 a barrel? Ferocious hatred of America is one thing, but financial irresponsibility? This is a different breed of terrorist.’

Enron Chief Fired After Scandal-less 3 Years
Employees miss limelight, retirement plan

· Attorney General Gonzalez ‘Does Not Recall’ How Many Keg Stands He Did Last Night
· Minnesotans: ‘We Want to Build a Border Fence, Too.’


ENTERTAINMENT
John Grisham Writes Children’s Book
Robby Rooster fights a corrupt Federal Appellate court in order to free a rooster wrongly convicted of raping and killing 10 chicks.

Larry King Enters 2nd mid-life crisis
Interview Paris Hilton, 1967 Ford Mustang

Method Actor Addicted to Meth
Friends suspected something was wrong, but now ‘everything seems crystal clear.’

Clouds Turn Fireworks Show into Loud-Noise-in-the-Sky Show


SPORTS
DNA Shows Tiger’s Cub May Not Be His
According to DNA tests, Tiger Wood’s newborn is only 1/32 Filipino, fueling speculation that she is not his biological daughter.

· FDA Recalls Chinese Power Forward
· At Wimbledon, Brits Praise Serena Williams’ Tenacious Effort and ‘Fabulous Knockers’


CLASSIFIEDS
Wanted: Legal Immigrants to pick illegal crops

Looking for a good time?
Go to the Mayor’s office
Ask for Barry Bondage

Looking for a good customer?
Go to the Mayor’s office
Ask for Sir Galabad

OPINION/EDITORIAL
Loud Babies Should Shut the Hell Up
Maybe they should wear diapers on their head to catch all the shit that comes out of their mouths.

Stu Harding, Charlotteton

Let’s Not Get Carried Away by Universal Healthcare
Universal Healthcare is bound to be a huge issue during the 2008 Presidential campaign, but is it really in the nations best interest?

As American citizens, we are all guaranteed life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. As a result, each American has the right to the best healthcare possible. However, to provide ‘universal’ healthcare is to provide healthcare for the entire universe, greatly endangering our country’s economic well-being.

Take Star Trek, for example. In that series, all diseases have been cured and the world lives in peace. But that wouldn’t last long if they were stuck caring for all the sick Cardassians or, worse, Klingons! Starfleet would have to change their motto: ‘To boldy go where no man has gone before… As long as we have referrals from our doctors.’ Nay, not even James Tiberius Kirk could fathom such madness.

What applies for Cardassians and Klingons in the future applies to Iraqis and Canadians today. If we treated each Iraqi that we shot, wouldn’t we just be admitting we were wrong?

As for the Canadians (and most of the industrialized world), they already have nationwide healthcare. Us providing healthcare for them too would lead to twice as many surgeries, twice as many X-rays, and twice as many drug prescriptions.

Now, I’m as patriotic as the next guy, but I don’t want to see every Canadian diabetic dropping dead because he or she had to take a double dose of insulin, especially on my bill. Plus, all the sick Canadians are going to hog the generic prescriptions that keep our seniors alive. How’s that fair? Hosers…

That leaves us with one conclusion: healthcare for American citizens and only American citizens. Correct me if I’m wrong, but since I dropped out of high school before my history class finished studying the constitution, I’m pretty sure that a citizen has to be a white, male landowner over the age of 21. As long as all of us get healthcare, I’ll be happy and I’ll vote for you. But realize that I’m not footing the bill for some freeloading, non-land-owning, y-chromosomeless Klingon minor.

So we best watch ourselves, or we’ll get carried away by Universal Healthcare… in spaceships.

Alan Deerborn, Charlotteton