The Young Professionals How To Guide 4/13

As the D10's primary source on all things young and professional, I find it important to drop a little knowledge on you. I'm calling this column, which I hope will one day have lots of installments and touch a lot of people inappropriately, The Young Professional's How To Guide for Dummies (or people who aren't us). Subtitle: Useful stuff for your ass if you ever plan on being successful.



Today we tackle one of the pressing questions for young professionals that comes up alot in the Courting process. (See issue 3: where I will discuss How to... Court). That question is "How do I handle valet parking?"



How to... handle Valet Parking



Any young professional who is anybody will take his girl (or his friend's girl) out to a restaurant so fancy that they actually park your car for you (for a nominal fee). Many people panic, or even avoid the restaurant altogether leaving their date sour and their date's vagina cold. To them I say, poor form. You should ALWAYS opt for the restaurant with valet parking. Their food will be overpriced and mediocre even though everyone at the office told you how lovely it was. The reason they tell you it was lovely is to show status. They also say it was lovely because the sex afterwards was lovely. A woman is a sucker for expensive restaurants no matter the quality, and the ones who park your car for you, thus able toafford to pay high school kids minimum wage to do it, are the most expensive. The quickest way to get to the G-spot (besides the conventional "come hither" finger technique. Coming later this month) is to have your car handled by someone else.



Procedure:



For those of you idiots who read my posts and made it through the first paragraphs and still don't know what Valet parking is.. umm, stick to something more your level, like "Nums" cartoons.



How to:



Approach the valet "box" slowly. You do not want to cause any alarm. Valets are like cockroaches and they will scramble about in front of the restaurant. They will cause other people to panic and your date may not have sex with you. Again, approach slowly. When you come to a stop, place your hand on the back of her head and let her know that you have arrived and that she can stop blowing you.



The Valet will approach the car on the passenger's side of the car and open the door for your date. If he touches her, do not get upset, he's only trying to help. (but don't tip). He'll close the door and he'll come to you for the keys. Make sure you beat him to it by getting out of the car as quickly as possible, and making yourself comfortable by leaning on the door frame before he even gets around the hood.



Toss him the keys. Do not wait til he extends his hand to you, hit him on the run, like you played college ball, and gain his respect. It is well known fact that Valets will run off with your car and joy ride before parking it. You aren't doing this because you want his respect, you're doing it because you want your Audi back in one piece.



After he catches the keys, he'll slide past you and wait for his tip. Tip him 20% of whatever the total valet fee is. If it was free valet then he gets nothing. If it was 5.00 you give him 1 dollar.



As he's situating himself if your car, lean in (grip the open door so hard that your knuckles go white) and talk about how expensive it was and how you just got the interior reupholstered. The more you talk about the importance of the car, the harder you squeeze the door frame, and the harder you threw your keys at him, the less cavalier he will be about pulling off criminal acts in your car.



Close the door on him. He's already driving your car so don't let him have complete control. Control every aspect of the whole ordeal up until that door is closed. Then, saunter over to your lady, put your arm around her waist and pull her close to you, making sure to look back over your shoulder at the punk valet so he knows you're watching him.



5 tips:



1. Make steady eye contact. Do not blink. Blinking could mean the difference between a safe trip to the parking lot or 3-5 years for vehicular manslaughter. If the valet goes out of his way to avoid your powerful and professional stare, (and he will), force him into it. Crane your head, jiggle the keys, get his attention and melt him.



2. Avoid restaurants with Free Valet Parking. This baffles me. In Los Angeles, for instance, it's basically bad form to park your car yourself. This is as ridiculous as New Jersey's gas pumping lunacy. Valet parking, like prostitution or hair cuts, is a service and it should be paid for. A restaurant with free valet parking probably has a terribly scant dessert menu and you will not get laid.



Also avoid restaurants who have promo girls or models in bikinis to park your cars. Apparantely these places exist. You will lose "anal points." This is the grand running total every girl keeps in mind that solely determines admission into her "untamed center booty hole"



3. Leave little things in the car that will scare the shit out of him. A picture of you staring at him carefully placed on the rearview mirror is a start.



4. Blatantly tell the valet that you expect this back in perfect condition. Make it sound like a joke but with a tone that also says, "haha I'm not joking, do you see this pea coat"



5. Rig the car with explosives. Always have a backup plan. Get a seat near the window facing the lot and get the detonator ready. One false move and Boom. So you lose a car. You can always get another one because you're young and you're professional.