The Weekly Factoids: Caution, You Will DIE!

A wise man once said, “I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” These eloquent words uttered by the equally eloquent Winston Churchill bring upon us a subject that many would rather avoid: DEATH. Sure, death is as inevitable as taxes but we should not fret over such an event. You won't be able to buy Fat Tire beers anymore, but by one’s definition Heaven could have a limitless supply of the luxurious libation.

To fixate upon an event such as death, some would argue, detracts from the pleasantries of life; the ability to wake each ‘morn and contribute to the greater society. For if we pass time in a state of unwarranted paranoia and avoid normal human interaction, what shall our friends talk about at our funerals? Sure, the story of how you never wanted to sleep in a bed because you didn’t want to die in one is funny the first time you tell it, but is that really what you want to be remembered for? I would hope not.

As each immature, unprepared college student graduates from a lifestyle of escaping death on a weekly basis (note: walking through rougher areas of Savannah wearing pink flip-fops only necessitates that one be shot dead and never experience unconditional love), he or she enters a life that some would argue negates unruly activity and thus, reduces the chances of a premature death. As run-ins with NDSP cops on segues are reduced, uncontrollable Gower tirades dressed as DC pages are ameliorated, and encounters with rough-housing (and rough groping for that matter) chicks named Candy are avoided one would think walking the streets of Chicago, Pittsburgh, Northern rural China, and Louisville would be a breeze.

However, the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) reminds us that a life of civil service does not eliminate the possibilities of a premature demise – which really sucks because a) I have a lot of baseball cards that I wanted to sell on eBay, b) I would be really embarrassed about the history on my Internet browser and c) my movie review of PS I Love You would never jerk the tears that I know it's capable of.

But by taking into account the numbers of civilians that give their lives to their jobs each year, we can remember their legacies and be cautious of the inherent dangers associated with those bi-monthly paychecks. If you are interested in seeking out the best way to subsist as a newly inaugurated professional, check out “Nums” and “Guts” at http://www.beingprofessional.blogspot.com/.

Anyways, the notion that a recent college grad is untouchable has been statistically refuted. According to 2006 BLS research, each of the D10 members and contributors currently occupies a position in society that present a hazard to their livelihood. In the following few lines of cyberspace, I have accumulated and posted the most recent fatalities per occupation stats that if published by me in book form would be named, “The Jungle Part II: 102 Years Later and Still Claiming the Lives of American Parents.”

Ok, I’ve been trying to fit this joke into the blog for a while, so I’m just gonna throw it in here from this site that was probably made by an engineer to make himself look funny although it really just makes look like an idiot:

“There were three young engineering students sitting on the lawn, visiting. They were discussing the human body, pondering who could have designed such an incredible machine...

The mechanical engineering student offered, "I think it must have been a mechanical engineer. Consider all the pivots, joints, and other mechanical solutions that the body uses. Definitely a robotics-oriented approach."

The electrical engineering student disagreed: "No, I think it had to be an electrical engineer. Think about all the connections we have that involve some form of electricity--brain waves, nerve impulses, muscle reactions... the list just goes on and on."

They sat quietly for several minutes, deep in thought. Finally, the civil engineering student broke the silence: "I think it had to be a civil engineer. Who else would think to run a waste water line through a recreational area?"”

Ha, cheeri-o ole chap. Well guess what…54 people holding the occupation “Architecture and engineering” died last year--ponder that. That is out of 2,830,000 people, resulting in a fatality rate of 1.9 (Hit up my facebook account if you want to see the PDF file on desktop appropriately named, Death.pdf that has all these stats).

Honestly, this death # for Engineers doesn’t surprise me given the daily situations these guys deal with as seen in this “educational engineering video” (Please excuse the really gay music):

Idiots...they should have gone to Grad school...

Next, we move onto thee Edward Michael Healy, currently residing in the appropriate occupational niche of “Local Government.” Here, municipalities across the United States saw 272 (out of 10,927,000 for a fatality rate of 2.5) of their compatriots collapse in their cubicles, getting ready to lobby for that government pork no doubt. But seriously, it is quite a shame to lose such devoted individuals who allow our lemming-like lives to continue by carrying out the knowledge attained through the “Survivors Guide to Inter-Office Politics.”

Now, how do we categorize someone who used to work at a boat company for the summer, then retreated into the confines of a near North-west Chicago apartment for approximately 160 days as a self-proclaimed “man of leisure” only to find modicum income in the supervision of small sized persons? One may chuckle, but do not underestimate the devious methods of children, especially when they want to get rid of said supervisor. Hell, check out this video of some kids trying to get rid of their babysitter; needless to say it’s not quite…child proof….hahahahha

If I came home and found my babysitter teaching my kids how to dance to Nelly’s, “Hott in Herr” I would punch them lifeless while screaming out, “You shall not deprave my offspring!” Oh yea, the only pertinent category Erik could fit in was “Personal and Laundry Services” which had 27 deaths out of 2,169,000 for a fatality rate of 1.2.

Dentists were quite difficult to find, as there were subheadings for “Health Care and Social Assistance (Fatality rate of 0.8) and “Healthcare practitioner and technical occupations” also with a FR of 0.8. The thing is, I’ve always heard dentists are crazy and hate their latex-infested lives so they kill themselves a lot. However, these calculations may only relate to “on the job” deaths, so if you jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge on your own time, you didn’t get counted…sorry.

Lastly, “Education, training, and library occupations” saw a fatality rate of 0.3. That’s kind of reassuring because my girlfriend works with hormone-raging teens and she’s already been involved in one fight. Let's hope her supervision of the upcoming class trip to the Underground Railroad doesn't...conduct...any more dead librarians.

So friends, I close to let this be a reminder to all of you that Father Death is always around the corner; he’s at that bakery that overlooks the busy intersection you’ve been surveying for new piping hoping a crane collapses on you, he’s giving kids ideas on how to electrocute the annoying babysitter, and he’s hoping that that new speech you’re writing contains a grammatical slip that incites an ethnic riot upon your home office. Oh, and he also invented meth in the hopes that you get addicted and drive off a highway, so all beware!

Cheers!