Guts' Super Statistical Study of the Week

Happy Hump Day to the entire D10 nation.

As a young professional (or man of intrigue, mystery, and wonderment), a day hardly goes by that I don’t have my face buried in options, portfolios, leather-bound menus, or pie charts. Thus, I find it exceedingly difficult not to see life in quotes, or percentages, or dollars and cents. As a way to satisfy my statistically charged boner (metaphor), I’ve developed this new series of articles. Each week I will develop a theory. I will then explore that theory and we’ll all share joy in what I find.

I. The Fear of God

So I’m in my living room late one night, we’ll call it 2, and I’m just catching the end of Jeff Foxworthy stand up (note: the end), and nodding off when a man starts yelling at me to buy this simply magical, malleable, sticky substance called Mighty Putty. Now, by this time, I’ve got four Quaaludes and a carton of Vault in me and I’m confused. I want to pass out in some freakish comatose state and wake up feeling like shame and Tuesday, but this guy is just yelling at me to buy this product and telling me all the useful shit I can do with it. I can fix a coffee mug by molding a new handle. I can repair a fence. IT CAN HOLD 400 POUNDS! MIGHTY PUTTY. But I wasn’t pissed. I pissed myself, yes, but I wasn’t mad at Billy Mays. I found at that moment that I was really mad at myself. For not buying Mighty Putty.

Now I have a theory. It is my young professional belief that what happened to me that night was the fear of God. People often toy around with the phrase “I’m going to put the Fear of God in you,” as a method of intimidation. Well I say, don’t. That fear is hard to process and Billy Mays put something in me. And it’s changed my life. For better or worse I don’t know. And so, this study is born:

Is Billy Mays magical? Is a product pitched (extremely loudly) by Billy Mays better than other popular infomercial products? Is putting the fear of God in the viewer, confusing them in ways once thought unimaginable, the key to selling goods. Or is there something else? Is it all just a ruse? Billy Mays, I put you to the test.

II: Oh, Billy

Billy Mays was born in McKees Rocks, PA, not too far from where Guts himself currently resides. Immediately after high school Billy started his career as a salesperson pitching "Washmatik" a portable washing machine. In literally minutes, he had his own company and every "as seen on tv" product was looking for Billy to be their spokesperson. And, to top it off, Billy avidly uses every product he promotes! Not recreationally, not occassionally, but AVIDLY.

Perhaps Billy's biggest success is OxiClean. This shit is bananas. It'll get any stain out. Wine, oil, butter, toffee. And how do I know it does all that? Because Billy Mays screamed to me. Whether by birth defect or grace of the almighty, Billy's voice knows only one octave and that octave is successful (B sharp). Some other products he has advertised for: Turbo Tiger Vaccuum, Kaboom!, and Samurai Shark Knife Sharpener. He now lives in Keystone, FL where "he is often seen driving his ferrari with lots of ladies around him (Wikipedia)"

But this is not some glorified biography of Billy Mays. This is a test.

III: The Facts

First off, it's incredibly hard to research this sort of theory because it is deeply rooted in mysticism. I can very well see that Billy Mays is extremely successful, but can i gather a specific number of products sold total? Probably, but I'm not a nerd. Can I really pull this study off using some convoluted formula? Sure. But I'm not a miracle worker. Billy Mays tells me OxiClean is. Can I integrate the probablistic numerator? OF COURSE! But using numbers is not what got me to the top. I use Guts.

IV: Testo Uno

Billy Mays has pitched 1,264 products including 7 types of detergents, 2 vaccuum cleaners (one vaccuum cleaner/duster), and 11 and 1/2 self-adhesive wall hooks. None of which has fueled his rise to national prominence quite like Oxi Clean. In the only way I know how, professionally, I will take this miracle product and decide once and for all, can OxiClean stand up on its own or is it popular and a gold mine for Orange Glo, Inc. because of Billy Mays.

Test 1: Miracle?

a.) Billy Mays says that "OxiClean is a miracle worker. With the power of Oxygen it gets stains RIGHT OUT!"

OxiClean is Sodium Percarbonate. Hydrogen Peroxide is Sodium Percarbonate. OxiClean is Hydrogen Peroxide in powder form. Hydrogen Peroxide has been around longer than Billy Mays. Tide uses Hydrogen Peroxide. Water mixes with it and it breaks down in some long stupid chemical reaction and what you have is the appearance that the stain has "vanished" miraculously. Seems simple enough, because it is simple enough. There's nothing miraculous about it. It isn't made of Jesus.

Verdict: Not a miracle. But it's looking good for Billy.

V: Testo deux

Does it work?

Having used OxiClean myself I can tell you it is a surefire way to get out most any common household stain. It works, and it works hard. It does the trick. It does what you ask for at least. And it does what it's supposed to- it deterges. You have to pretreat it for a while and It doesn't get out stains like oil or grease or your more industrial stains, but what the hell does! Lemon Juice? No. Tide? No. OxiClean does what it does. It cleans, with Oxi. Does it miraculously lift stains from clothes, like Billy says it does. No. But we believe it, because he said it.

Verdict: It works. But not all that much better than anything else.

VI: Testo san

How does it compete economically with the Big Brand names we all relied on B.B. (Before Billy)?

Orange Glo (which recently was bought by parent company Church & Dwight, responsible fo Arm & Hammer) is the producer of OxiClean and it makes up 2/3 of their $200 million a year profits. Church & Dwight is number 3 in the laundry detergent business. (1.7 billion dollars, $459 million in detergent sales) This is a pretty good move for OxiClean. They made it to the big time. What's even more impressive is that their major advertising campaign for the now booming product began with Billy Mays infomercials and now it's everywhere. Plus it's relatively affordable. 5 dollars for a pretty decent sized can at Wal-Mart.

Verdict: It can compete economically. Somewhat on its own. It was once a novelty, but with this acquisition, it's a contender baby.

VII: Testo Finale!

OxiClean is proven to work, sort of. It sold well for Orange Glo and will make the rich richer (and pants cleaner) with Church and Dwight. But is it a superior product? Or is Billy Mays the key. The Ronco Knife Set sells, The Ronco "Set it and Forget it" Rotisseire sells. The Magic Bullet, sure it sells, but do they sell like OxiClean? HELL NO! Are they better products, comparably, yes! OxiClean is Hydrogen Peroxide. The Ronco Knife set gives you 64 knives (killing machines) and it never dulls. The Rotissiere can cook a chicken. The Magic Bullet turns anything into a meal and it's dishwasher friendly. But will you see Ronco getting bought out by Church

& Dwight? No. Will the Magic Bullet ever appear in super ultimate mass production or will it forever be relegated to As Seen on TV displays and Bed, Bath, and Beyond? Forever.

Why then is this "simple steve" of the detergent world so stupendous? BILLY MAYS. Yes, he's scary. Yes he's loud. Yes he is WAY TOO ENTHUSIASTIC about things that are seemingly so trivial. But his enthusiasm, in turn, makes us uncomfortable. Uncomfortable enough to do ANYTHING HE SAYS.

Finale Verdicte! Billy Mays is a masterful salesman. He may not be that smart, he may be a robot, but he's an effective robot with a mission, to MAKE US BUY HIS PRODUCT. And dammit, we will.

Guts out.