More Than a Feeling - Part I

A few years ago, when I was in college, some guys I knew ---- some pig headed brutes really -- took a day out of their lives to form a "bracket" of every girl they knew. Being somewhat scientific fellows, they created for each girl an 'RPI' that was an aggregate average of several categories. The top 65 RPIs made the tournament bracket and then a panel of judges voted on each match-up. Who would you rather bang, who would you rather marry, who do you like better --- each judge's criteria was his own.

The categories that determined each participant's RPI were largely what one would expect: face, body, personality, etc. There was one notable exception, though - the category of 'Intangibles'. Whenever any of us share the story of the great bracket debate of 2006, we invariably get one of two responses (or both):

1. "You guys are disgusting."
2. "Intangibles? What's that?"

Intangibles, my (probably soon to be former) friend was one of the most volatile, and therefore crucial variables in the entire ratings system. Just as man does not live by bread alone, neither so can the desirability of the chicks in the sophomore, junior and senior classes be determined solely by palpable characteristics such as facial bone structure or breast size or whether they gave you a hand job in the dining hall. You see, there is much more to life than what one can see, touch, taste and feel. To make a seemingly repugnant (but remarkably apt) comparison, I turn to Ecclesiastes:

I have seen something else under the sun: The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all

DISCLAIMER: I know this seems horridly sexist and objectifying on its surface. In response to that argument, I offer three crucial points: 1. The door swings both ways on this, it was an exercise borne of idle procrastination, and we know many girls who have undertaken a similar kind of endeavor. 2. Chicks don't like us anyway. 3. We're not sexist -- some of our best bloggers are women.

With that in mind, it is my distinct pleasure to bring you:

THE OFFICIAL D10 GUIDE TO INTANGIBLE ATTRACTIVENESS


Alright, before we get started, let me make a side note: 1 - 10 rating scales are hamfisted and useless. There is no nuance or thought that goes into a 1 - 10 rating. Also, there exists such a gulf between each ratings point on a 1 - 10 as to discourage careful thinking and deliberation. One should only use 1 - 10 scales to describe things like how bad a fart smells, or how far through its duration a baseball game is. The reason is that mentally, we feel much more comfortable trying to precisely describe something when it seems appropriate to the conversation. Suppose Individual A and Individual B are in the same ballpark as far as Intangible Attractiveness is concerned, but Individual B holds a small, but indisputable edge. On a 1 - 10 scale, it would make sense to give them both a 7.5, since splitting hairs is an exercise in futility and betrays an unhealthy and counterproductive interest in minutae. On a 1 - 100 scale, though, it would be nothing short of sensible to assign Individual A a 73 and Individual B a 76.5 (since a 7.65 would seem on its face a ridiculous and incredible answer). With that being said, feel free to use the following metrics as simple benchmarks for careful and complete thoughts:

A 1 - 100 scale is literally more civilized by an order of magnitude. Now, on to the sexism:

0 - Absolutely No Intangible Hotness
Being a familial relation (immediate), being dead & buried, having a dick

10 - Lunch Lady Level Intangible Hotness
Being a familial relation (extended), not having teeth, having teeth filed down to a point, killing someone, white supremacism, long-term ex-girlfriend of a close friend

20 - Transvestite Level Intangible Attractiveness
Looking eerily like a familial relation (immediate), dirty fingernails, being dead, pulled out the run from under a close friend (both figuratively and literally)

30 - Unattractively Drunk Level of Intangible Attractiveness
Being, well, unattractively drunk, drooling problems, rabid political ranting/posturing, constant nosebleeds

40 - Girl When You're 20 Years Old and She's 17 Level of Intangible Attractiveness
Looking eerily like a familial relation (extended), being really, really obsessed with Phish, starting 'The Wave' at every sporting event you go to, boogers

50 - The Sarandon Line
Being from a mid-level city, being Susan Sarandon, standing up, sitting down, periodic nosebleeds, wearing scarves, having peed outside (but not, like, all the time), being alive