The Scarlet Turd

If there is one thing that I have learned in my limited life experience, D10ers, it's that revenge is sweet and without a doubt always worth the effort. With that, I will begin this story for the purpose of revenge for wrongs perpetuate against me, the ever honorable Boots. Our tale begins and ends on the 15th of March in the year 2008

10:45 am: I, the aforementioned Boots, Sir Hollywood, and a special Polish guest, J, form a band for sport, The Eskimos, to take on the Southpaws, from exotic lands to the south (not south in the modern sense, more in the classical idea, like if north is up, south is toward the center of the earth) in a contest of hockey. The stars are not in our favor this contest, as we trail the Southpaws by a healthy margin. As one of the foreigners, Ian the Collector, increases their lead to 5-2, She with a Face of Onion approaches with her band of scowling maidens. "Boooooooots" she bellows, "step forth and hear this charge against you. You have clogged my toilet, go fix it, for it will not flush." Already rosy cheeked from the labors of hockey, surely no one notices my cheeks becoming increasingly flushed.
"Anything you say my fine lady" I reply, though I think to myself that she must have cleared the clog already and dropped the shit in the fan. I shall have my revenge on you for this false accusation!

11:05 Having lost the contest, we Eskimos return to our quarters in the north. The brave and noble J tries to clear the shitter of....shit. When the plunger fleeces up only flakes of shit, he refuses to continue as his moral divining rod won't allow. Still fuming from this terrible label sewn to my chest (the scarlet turd), I also refuse to reenter the crime scene.

11:15 Hollywood, with vast experience in the field of shit cleansing take over duties. His tools of choice....
1 Shot Jamison Whiskey
1 Plunger
1 Coat hanger

11:16"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Hollywoods' scream echoes throughout the house. He has found the source of the clog. It is in fact no turd of Boots', but rather a feminine hygiene product. All of us Eskimos are overcome with disgust. However, mixed with my disgust is elation, that the fine name of Boots has been cleared with photographic evidence.

11:17 While trying to photograph the gruesome scene I (Boots, also possibly an honorary doctor of photojournalism) become overwhelmed with the sight and scent of it all and run out to the balcony where I dry heave over the railing.

11:19 It wasn't just the hygeine prodcut, it appears there are other issues as the crapper still won't flush. "Ahhhhh!" Not another tampon but rather Hollywood has splashed the water on himself. I wonder if perhaps this means my dear friend and teammate has contracted Hepatitis (which i have recently tested negative for to go along with a testing of negative for the HIV....BooYa!)

11:32 Hollywood flushes the unafflicted toilet in the apartment. It boosts all of our morale.

11:34 "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"The tampon becomes wrapped around the toilet cleaning brush!

11:36 "If I'm not back again this time tomorrow, carry on......"

11:37 The Eskimos do a round of shots

11:38 "So you think you can spit in my eye, so you think you can love me and leave me tonight...."

11:40 Freddy Mercury fails to produce any more tangible results than the rest of us.

11:41 Hollywood knocks Dav's toothbrush in the toilet. Dav is studying to become a dentist We spend the next few minutes thinking of how we can make this a good line for an Alanis Morrisette song. We had"It's like a toothbrush in a toilet while trying to unclog it, but the brush belongs to a dentist." We all agree this one sucks. We take a shot. "It's like a tooth brush in the can, that belongs to a dentist wo-man." We agree this is much better and much more ironic.

11:42 Noting how the toilet has begun to smell terrible, I refer to wisdom shared with me by one [redacted]. "Girls shits smell terrible cause they don't do it as often. Like, think about how bad your mom's shits smell."

11:43 Hollywood returns to the hanger as his primary weapon. This possibly honorary doctor of photojournalism thinks the idea has real promise.

11:46 We take a break from the shitter and take another shot. We all agree that whiskey is a fine thing for hockey players and plumbers alike to drink.

11:47 SUCCESS!!! I admit I was worried we may have gone down like the Spartans at Thermopolee, but they wouldn't make a movie about us because "3" was already taken by ESPN with the documentary about the guy who drove cars (which we also do). We three Eskimos discuss this topic and agree we'd rather grow old and take many more blameless shit than die heroes for the cause.

So D10ers, this is how we spent the first few hours of the day meant to honor St Patrick. Do you think he would have been proud of us.?Certainly he would have! The scarlet turd is not something to be taken lightly, especially not when combined with the sour taste of defeat.