Young Professional Update

First off, I apologize to all my Gutsies for taking some unannounced time off. It started with a hectic week at the office and was followed by a birthday celebration in Electric Dairyland (Wisconsin), as well as an attempt to hang out with at least 2 members of the D-10 which unfortunately did not take place. But I'm back and I have news and some helpful tips for any of you Gutsies looking to take steps in the right direction professionally.

Before I get into that I'd like to personally thank each one of you who sent me letters during my vacation. The birthday wishes were well appreciated and the hate mail... well, there was no hate mail! Ha!

Anyway, I took a big step this month in bolstering my young professional repertoire. I subscribed to the local newspaper. That's right America, your very own First Journalistic Wonder of the World is a proud patron of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette (the paper so independent that it had to hyphenate its name). What does this mean? It means that every day I get a newspaper. For those of you with the Interweb who aren't familiar with newspapers they are a futuristic news source printed on paper that rubs off on your fingers when you sweat... So you can become NEWS!

Every day I get a sexy little package of print just for me with crossword puzzles and genocide updates and classifieds. Yesterday's paper for instance had a job listing for TREE CLIMBER! I could do that... and so could you.

I know I know, you all want to sign up, but you can't just sign up. You have to first know some basic rules about how to handle a newspaper subscription both youngly and professionally.

1. Make sure the paper you're signing up for is the least offensive to the most locals. If a rowdy neighbor flying a pirate flag and donning hemp knickers sees that you're down with the Washington Times, you're liable to get a Joan Baez album to the nose.

2. When you go outside to pick up your paper, make sure you're dressed to impress. Don't go sauntering out in your bathrobe with a cup of coffee and do it like you see old morons doing it on the Television. You go out there with your head high. Hell even walk past it at first and then begrudgingly go back for it. This shows your old neighbor in the Grateful Dead T-shirt and plaid underoos that you're almost too ambitious for the news...ALMOST.

3. Use glasses. If you don't have glasses, poke yourself in the eyes. Only use your glasses when you read the paper. Continually take them on and off and bite on the ends to show intense concentration even if you're reading the funnies.

4. Always talk about the day's paper with co-workers. Most of them can't read so they'll pretend like they know what you're talking about and you'll know inside that they didn't read it. Example. You: "So, Carol, did you see Obama said No! to public financing?" (Real headline from today's issue of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
Carol: "Uh, er yeah. I read that. I can't believe it!"
You: "Eh, I can I mean this decision was much anticipated and it really opens the way for what could be the freest spending general election campaign in presidential history."
Carol: "Yeah."

Stupid Carol.

5. If you happen to catch the paperboy delivering your paper, pull him into your house for some lemonade and Saturday morning cartoons and thank him for keeping you in the know.



I hope you all learned something today.
Til next time. Go get em Gutsies!