2009 EVHL Match Play Opens

CHICAGO -- The curtain rose this morning on the 2009 East Village Hockey League season with a stirring display of grace, athleticism and international goodwill as crowd favorites The Eskimos fell to hated rival The Southpaws (also known in some part of the country as "Those Bastards From The 1st Floor") on a goal by rookie Joe Williams scored with :40 to play.

"We feel good about our effort today, we've made some key personnel moves and look forward to a strong showing in the regular season" said Eskimos player/coach Mike "Hollywood" Healy, as dozens of hot chicks longingly looked on.

"No one likes me, I'm the worst" chimed in Southpaws founder Ian McBride. After the controversial departure of EVHL superstar Jonathan Duff, the Southpaws drew zero (0) supporters to today's friendly match.

The game featured high scoring in the first period, with Eskimos playboy Jason "Showtime" Zgrabik sporting a slim new figure putting in a pair of goals and Jimmy "Nums" Gower adding one of his own while Healy struggled to find a defensive rhythm in the league's new 3-on-3 format. For the Southpaws, psuedo-foreigner Onni Hart displayed the adroit stick-handling one would expect from a Finnish floorball veteran, rookie Williams played a sound defense and McBride was a general douchebag, much to the displeasure of fans and players alike.

A crowd of two Eskimos supporters viewed the match from one of the Juicy Pavillion's 2001 Ford Lincoln Mercury luxury boxes, ending the day disappointed with the outcome and annoyed by McBride's general gayness.

"The game? What?" Gower responded when asked for comment following the match, lounging on the couch clad in a red 'C.O.A.P. t-shirt, underpants, a tuxedo jacket (with tails) and red baseball gloves "How on earth can you care about anything when there is an extremely remote possibility that an atomic bomb could one day go off in our city????!?!?! I am disgusted at your irresponsibility."

League play begins next Saturday, with the Eskimos hosting the Southpaws in the season opener at the Juicy Pavillion. More on the season can be found here.