Or, for those of you who prefer your film synopses in still, feast your eyes on this:
I feel the pair of heroic couplets adorning the top of the movie poster adequately covers the premise and plot of the film, so here is a thumbnail summary of events:
I. Main character (Alan)wakes up after (presumably) banging his super-hot naked girlfriend. Alan then wakes up, does some naked calisthenics (which director George A. Romero treats the audience to in full Technicolor), fills a backpack with bricks and goes running (I think he's a champion runner of some sort. At the very least, he is a runner who can move his arms and legs).
II. Alan is hit by a bus. Stanley Tucci does some surgery on him, and it turns out Alan is confined to a wheelchair. Alan gets a nurse to help him with his life, but she is a total bitch. She has a SUUUPER ANNOYING pet bird, and it's made pretty clear to the audience that Alan fucking hates birds. Alan is so pissed that he tries to kill himself, which is obviously quite hard for him to do.
III. Alan's drug addict scientist friend, who earlier in the movie stole a human brain, boiled it into goo, and has been injecting it into lab monkeys, feels bad and gets a super hot chick named Mel to train the monkey at her farm (she has a monkey training farm) to help Alan live and fight against his evil nurse.
IV. The monkey's name is Ella and she is the cutest most amazing thing in the world. If everyone saw this movie, the government would have to allow people to mate with monkeys. Here are some of the things Ella can do easily that I am confident most humans in the year 2009 would struggle with:
- Accept reward pellets
- Work a tape deck
- Bring love into the life of a paralyzed man
- Work this weird punchcard telephone that humankind has apparently since lost the technology for
- Escape from a cage
- Answer questions in law school
IV. In any case, eventually the evil nurse starts to hate Ella, but Ella outsmarts her by leaving banana peels in her slippers and poisoning Alan's mind against her. Then. one horrifying night, the nurse's bird flies into Alan's room and starts trying to peck his eyes out. It's SUUUPER Scary.
(Google image search: Scary Parakeet)
As vengeance, Ella lets herself out of her cage and then breaks into the nurse's room and strangles the bird (in the opening credits, they very explicitly say that no monkeys were harmed in the making of this film.
V. The nurse moves out and Alan's mom moves in. She starts giving Alan sponge baths, which makes him super pissed. At the same time, his hand jerks involuntarily, and he finds out that he may not have been paralyzed by the bus crashing into him, he may have been paralyzed by Stanley Tucci fucking up his surgery. He gets super-duper pissed at this and then finds out that his hot girlfriend from the beginning actually left him for Stanley Tucci, not just because she was shallow and he was paralyzed (like he originally believed).
Alan has Ella work the futuristic punchcard telephone to call his ex-girlfriend's lakeside cabin (I suspect that he had the monkey find out the number and produce the punchcard herself. That is really the only possible conclusion the movie allows for). Anyway, Stanley Tucci picks up (they show him in a towle on the phone, he's pretty jacked) and Alan gets super pissed. While Alan's asleep, Ella escapes to the cabin and sets the cabin on fire, killing that shitty doctor and the ex-girlfriend.
VI. Alan and the Mel the monkey trainer fall in love. They have a sleepover in her monkey trainer barn, where as Mel is helping him get ready for bed, Alan tries to make a move on her, which consists of him sticking his face inside her shirt. It's really uncomfortable for a while, then they cut to a scene where Mel is using Alan's "get into bed-get out of bed" harness to hold herself up while she sits on his face. It's super erotic.
VII. Alan is a complete asshole to everyone now. The inference is that the monkey is turning him into a big time dick. He yells at his mom so much that she goes to take a bath (she was being super annoying with the sponge baths, though). The monkey goes in and throws a hair dryer into the tub, killing Alan's mom, in the very tub where she washed her son's junk.
VIII. Alan figures it all out and gets really scared. His drug addict scientist friend comes over with two syringes of poison to kill the adorable little monkey. The monkey outsmarts him and injects him with poison instead. Then Alan starts to get scared and the monkey disconnects the power to the house. Alan's girlfriend comes over, but the monkey cunningly tricks her into falling and banging her head on the table.
While Mel is passed out, the monkey keeps trying to light her on fire, but with little to no success. At long last, Alan sees Ella's plan: she wants to eliminate all the women around Alan so she is the only one in his life. She jumps on Alan's wheelchair and pisses all over him, marking her territory. Alan calls her "bitch," "slime," and then "fucking bitch."
IX. The monkey finds another syringe filled with poison and starts trying to stab Mel with it (I have no idea how they trained a monkey to do this without breaking the skin). Alan summons all his strength to hit 'Play' on the tape deck, because Ella's favorite tape is in the tape player. Ella climbs up onto Alan and gives him a hug. He bites down on her neck and shakes her around until she dies.
X. It's finally over. Mel wakes up and they flash forward to the surgery Alan is having to get his spine repaired so he can continue doing nude calisthenics and running around with a bag full of bricks. In a scene eerily reminiscent of the first surgery scene, they cover Alan's back in spinal surgery wrap, make the first incision and then
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