Another Guest Blog

A recurring feature:

-Ever notice how smelling things can change the taste of your food? Like when you’re driving and eating a hamburger and the beater truck in front of you spits diesel fumes everywhere. Now your burger tastes like diesel. Same kind of thing happened today. I was taking a shit and chewing a piece of gum…I spit out the gum.

-There are certain things in this world that people try at all costs to hide from others: picking your nose, picking a wedgie, hiding a boner. The problem is that everyone does the same thing to try and hide it. So when I see some guy who’s walking normally suddenly take a huge step to the right for no reason I know his underwear is way up his ass. Or when some dude in class stands up but he stays king of hunched over with his hands in his pockets, pushing his pants out to hide his boner, I can spot that too.

-You could fill up your car up with milk and it would be cheaper than gas.

-I went to buy vodka the other day and my buddy gave me a 10. The vodka cost $10.99 (yeah I roll classy). Anyway it is kind of guy code that you don’t ask for the extra $1 and tax in return. The only problem is that if you always end up buying you always get shorted. It is like the computer fraud in Office Space except instead of stealing fractions of a penny they are stealing $1.50 every time.

-I was walking through the mall the other day when this kid about my age asked me to take a survey. Listen surveyors, I’m a guy and I have no business being in the mall in the first place. The last thing I want to do is spend any more time there than is necessary. But then he said I’d get a coupon that I could mail in for $5 to redeem at any store. The postage would already take me down to $4.58, which might get me a one item at Panda Express. I just walked away. The next day I went back to return my previous purchase when I saw the opportunity to buy a great looking necklace. At the register the guy asked me for $17.36. I reached into my pocket and only had $15 and the survey guy was gone…fucking vodka.

-Sometimes when I’m running on the treadmill, I slyly spy on the person next to me to see if I’m going faster. Problems arise when the person next to me does the same and pretty soon we’re both going ten miles per hour and grunting in the middle of the gym.

-Have you ever seen House M.D. on Fox? It was kind of interesting the first couple of times but now it is just plain predictable. There are really only three different categories the writers for that show use to make new material. 1) What rare and incurable disease they will miraculously encounter. 2) Which obsequious character House will fight with. 3) How the disease and argument will be solved. So for next Monday I predict this. 1) They encounter AIDS and somehow find a way to cure it in the last 5 minutes of the show. 2) House will fight with Dr. Eric Foreman because he’s black and it’s fun to pick on minorities. 3) The solving of AIDS gets tricky but House can do it. He loses his cane and gets a cramp in his foot causing him to take 1000 Vicodin. He solves the AIDS mystery high on pills and all the other doctors put aside their differences with House and get a beer. I have now supplied Fox with an hour worth of material.

-I was hooking up with this girl the other day and she just kept kissing me. I couldn’t move on because she was slowly sucking my soul out through my mouth. The funny thing is when you first see some hot girl (or guy for some of you) it’s fun to think about and imagine making out and grabbing some boob, or cock, but once you’re there it’s like “fuck this boring.” You look at someone and think man I’d love ram my tongue in their mouth, but that shit is you just tricking yourself. You don’t walk up to the fireworks stand and say, holy shit I can’t wait to buy snakes and sparklers and the little poppy thing. Yeah that was cool the first time, poof…wow look at the two little ribbons that came out. You go straight for the most colossal thing you can find. There’s the mortar, the huge tube thing looks like Mario’s pipe. Or the Ferris wheel of lady fingers that goes off for like 2 fucking hours. They have all kinds of crazy stuff. Rockets that blow up like an American flag, sparkling pirate ships in the sky, whistling bee’s; the list is endless. The point is that nobody even bothers with the snakes, except for the 4 year olds, but that’s because they haven’t seen a bountiful betty blastoff with sparkling blue/gold shimmers and report. After seeing the 8th wonder of the world explode in front of your face with the furry of an atomic blast leaving you half blind and less fertile it’s unlikely you’ll want to squat down on the street and light up a snake and watch that black ash puff of smoke sputter out like the smokers cough of your 95 year old great grandma.

-I was in the shower the other day and I blew my nose into my hands…I find this to be a common thing among men. My mom overheard this and started telling me how disgusting it is. Listen mom I just washed my face with the bar of soap that was all over my brother’s ass a few minutes ago, I’m pretty sure blowing my nose won’t make me any worse for wear.

-Why do they call it “taking a dump” instead of “leaving a dump?” I mean after all you’re not really taking it anywhere.

-Have you ever been to the aquarium and seen next to the tanks the names and explanations of the various fish and next to that Braille? I’m no scientist but I would think that aquariums aren’t exactly suited to the needs of the blind. Also why is there Braille on drive up ATM’s?