Tuesday

I'm just going to post this exactly as I did on a google group. This is unabridged.

So. Yeah.

Jason (my roommate, a few of you have met him) and I are bored at the
house, sharing a hookah when we decide to just do something. Anything.
We get in the car and drive south-southwest toward destiny. It turns
out, much to my dismay that he had a plan all along and we went to
IKEA. Sounds boring- it is. Then I decide it's time to notch this baby
up a peg.

Idea #1: Let's go to West Virginia and hit the casino. We toy around
with this idea for what seems like 100 miles (traffic jam) when we
decide we are too sober and too hungry to pull that off.

Idea #2: Casey, Jason's ex-girlfriend is getting off work in 10
minutes. We could get a hold of her (she's about as crazy drunk as
Mae) and go get one dollar blue moons. This is our plan.

We get back to the house throw in 2 Justin-sized lips of citrus skoal
and start playing tiger woods golf waiting for our wing-woman to show
up. We shoot, and I'm not kidding... a 50 (par 72) and I bogeyed the
last hole blowing the 49. So it's going to be a good night.

We meet Casey and decide on a botched coin flip to go to a different
bar and get $2 Jager bombs. (just a quick update, I'm typing this at
work and I'm trying to do it quickly. Work that I had to get up for at
7:30 a.m. mind you) So I buy a few rounds consisting of one bottle of
coors light (mountains are blue) and a jager bomb. Then we blow that
shit.

Next we stop at another bar because they have one dollar shots of
tequila. We all hate tequila but slam it anyway and run out. Then I go
to the ATM, which, if any of you have PNC, can give money out in $1
multiples. So I take out something stupid like 23. (An update: as
usual, a lot of these details were told to me by a third party this
morning).

Finally we get to the original destination and start DRINKING. Each
round jason and I bought consisted of 4 blue moons. We also bought
jager bombs from shot girl (unfortunately justin it was not the little
girl who wanted to eat out of your ass). We had 40 minutes to drink as
many blue moons as we could. I lost count. They also had 5 dollar
pitcher specials of captain morgan. whatever. So somewhere in the
middle Madonna comes on and I make an absolute fool of myself dancing
perfectly. Fuckers. I do some more dancing, I hit on a couple fatties,
and I repeatedly tell people that I am a golden god.

Then the bad starts. Casey (Jason's Ex) invites Tim (Casey's new
boyfriend) to join us. I know this will upset Jason. Eventually Casey
leaves us to go to a new bar where the beer is expensive. Jay and I
stay because Jason's dream girl is there (pig tails and a sleeve of
tattoos). I stay because I have not yet satisfied my usual level of
unforgivableness.

Finally we leave because the girl went to take a dump and left with
Fall Out Boy. We meet up with Casey and Tim and I drink a good 2 pints
of Arrogant Bastard Ale and this sent me black out. I leave the bar
after I tell some fat dude who owns a neighboring bar, that he's a fat
pervert and his lisp is stupid. He doesn't fight me because he's fat
and stupid.

I run outside and have a 30 minute conversation with a homeless man
who is homeless by choice. I commend him for his power and his
knowledge and we talk about racist people for a while (really a cool
guy). I stiff him because I have absolutely no money. He's fine with
it because I positively affected his life (and he mine)

Then I proceed to start double hooking every girl on the street. Now,
the double hook is a move where I confidently walk with both arms out
at two girls trying to snag them in my web of love. I;m striking out
when I finally connect with this angel. She's had way too much to
drink, her tit is falling out of her shirt, all of her friends are
drunk and I'm eating this shit up. When, to my dismay, her friend says
"kristie come on, he's not that hot." As excited as I am that she
didn't say he's ugly I start to get angry. I tell the girl that she's
not that jappy, oh wait, yes she is. Drunk dumb girl thinks I'm funny
and grabs me by the dick. I follow her, when... and here's the best
part.

MY CONSCIENCE KICKS IN.

that's right, I Zach Chromiak, refused to go home with a girl because
she was too drunk. AND I WAS DRUNK.

Big step for me. At this point, casey has left me. I find jason
talking to a cougar so I hide on the stoop to let him work his game.
Some guy cock blocks him and we proceed to Cassie's house (jason's new
girlfriend) HUGE MISTAKE, still waiting to hear from Jay. We bust in
and I proceed to fondle every piece of furniture in the house (first
time seeing it) and say ooooo. Jason says he needs two minutes (I hope
he broke up with her) so I sit outside.

Two minutes turns into 20 minutes and I get impatient and ask him if I
can go. I get no response except from God who starts a freak
thunderstorm. I rush home. Still hungry (haven't mentioned I didn't
eat for 24 hours) and my last memory (well I blacked out in the middle
but I remember the end of the night) is me holding a pot of cooked
pasta in one hand and threatening to punch my roommate bruce with the
other.

This morning, I wake up late for work and rush out the door.
I end this story (typical tuesday) with one of the best text messages
I have ever sent.

I get a text message from Casey which reads: "So how did it go? I saw
you with a couple ladies on your arms when I left."

Me: "Well, I'm wearing the same shirt I went out in to work and I woke
up next to an overturned bowl of spaghetti"